I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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