how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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