half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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