Swine flu is the new snow day.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
