So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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