You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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