i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
