We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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