I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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