Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
