Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
