A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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