oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
