apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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