I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
