dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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