My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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