our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
