tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
