she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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