Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
