Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
