it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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