she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
