I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
