I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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