smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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