so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
