Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
