you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the day after is always just damage control
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
