Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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