You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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