I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
