Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
