she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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