Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
