I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
