It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
