god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
