Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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