Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
