i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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