I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
