Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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