If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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