Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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