I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
