i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
