Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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