Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
