I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My vagina is officially offended.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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