shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize