I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
