i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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