I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
