i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
