Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
